CLAUDE LÉVESQUE
Finding out who I am

I am Claude Lévesque from Montréal. I was born February 2, 1966. I stand before God as a criminal deserving of death.

Ever since I was very young, I was aware of the existence of God. At age 11, I even read the Bible for myself, but I found it impossible to comprehend the purpose of the life and death of Jesus. Therefore, I self-righteously criticized the Bible and closed myself off to anything that God might wish to reveal to me.

At age 12, I was abused by a stranger. I never talked about it to anyone. I became very distrustful of others and myself. Although I had good grades at school, I did not expect anything good to result from the world I was living in. I showed more respect and love to animals and nature than to human beings.

I decided to take all matters into my own hands, refusing to ask for help in any circumstance. I thought that would be a sign of weakness, creating a debt or an obligation to someone else, and the risk of being refused was not worth taking. My pride encouraged me to think that what I could accomplish by myself, no one, not even God, could take away from me.

At 13, I joined a small group of delinquents and quit school. I had no adult model to look up to, and no motivation to find one. I wanted to live freely. I was already consuming drugs, and soon I became a dealer. I had committed a few crimes. I concluded that money is the key to this world. At age 15, I was making $200-$300 a day selling drugs on St-Denis Street in Montréal.

I started committing more serious crimes with one of my brothers. On October 15, 1981, I got caught during a bank robbery and was charged with being an accomplice to murder, even though I was standing outside. The day of my 16th birthday, I was sentenced to be in detention until I was 18. I thought about escaping and about suicide. I was an accomplice to murder, and it was not easy to forgive myself.

Incapable of coping any longer in the detention centre, I wrote a letter to the judge, who transferred me to a centre for extensive care, Boscoville. I lived there two years and learned to develop my natural abilities and to regain confidence in myself. I walked out of Boscoville at age 18-and-a-half, after staying an extra six months voluntarily.

I went back to school and asked for financial help. I was refused. So, I committed two hold-ups, invested the money in drugs and found work in nightclubs. I was on my way again.

One day, I decided to return to school, in science, because I had this thirst for truth and the absolute and I thought that science could possess this knowledge. I completed college and 16 courses at university.

I became an atheist with these characteristics: I was pretentious, but thought I was just; I was a dealer more and more heavily involved in drugs; I was a daily user who never had enough; I thought I was sincere, but I lied if I had to; I was a selfish, violent man and thought I was gentle; I judged others without mercy and thought I was always right; I deeply hated humanity.

My disposition caused me to quit good jobs in chemistry and put my energy into selling drugs. I used them as well to help me forget who I was and the way I was mistreating others.

Then Bruno, a good friend, “found Jesus” and told me about it. I felt that he was right, but I was not listening because I did not desire to get close to God.

I decided to quit the drug business anyway, because I was disgusted by all the hurt I was causing, but I remained a slave to drug use. For over a year, I went as low as being homeless, on welfare, without any belongings.

I started to read the Bible and did some praying. After about a year, I asked God to find me a job. He answered my prayer, and I found work. Still, I was spending my paycheque on drugs, and going to work the next morning even though I had not slept the night before.

One day, I asked Bruno to bless me. We prayed together. But my heart had not yet surrendered to God, my will was still resisting. I had doubts that He could really save me, and I did not want to give my life to Him. It is not enough to know that someone has a gift for you; you still have to take it, open it and learn how to use it. I kept reading the Bible and discovering God’s plan for sinners – I knew that I was one, without any doubt.

One day, I had finished work, and it was payday. I knew what my body was craving, but my mind did not want to go on like that anymore. I was in a bus going home when for the first time I asked Jesus to come to my rescue. I admitted that only He could help me regain the dignity that I had lost. I admitted that I was powerless. I asked Him for forgiveness from the bottom of my heart. Then I felt so much lighter. I felt His peace.

I stopped using hard drugs; occasionally the temptation was too great, but it was not the same anymore. I spent more and more time reading the Bible, and found the boldness to go into a church in Ste-Rose. I discovered there something I had never encountered before, a reality that had been kept hidden from me.

My understanding of the Divine plan for humanity was increasing. I understood that God’s plan for us is motivated by His great love for us; I was now certain of that. I gained a clearer understanding of why Jesus Christ had died on the cross in such a violent way. It was because He loves me. It was to prevent me from receiving the wrath that God has toward sin, because God is just. That was the reason for the suffering of Christ. Jesus paid for sin so that the justice of God would be fulfilled toward me. I realized that the only just man that the earth has known, had given His life to pay for the unjust, including myself. Then I started to look for Him with all my heart, and to love Him.

God had offered me the opportunity to be part of His Kingdom. I did not refuse His call this time, and offered Him my entire life. My prayers took a totally different form. I now asked Him to transform me. I expressed deep sorrow for my faults and asked Him to keep me away from evil, and to make use of me in the Divine plan. I surrendered my life and my soul to Him because I knew that He had the power to save me from eternal death. I have learned to forgive myself and others. I have regained confidence in myself and in humankind. Jesus Christ has changed from a historical reality to a living reality for me.